A recent David Brooks article looks at research which shows that the main ingredient to a life of happiness is social connectivity; that while income matters, it does so only up to a point, (moving from low to middle income), but beyond that the happiness returns are not commensurate with income rises. Marital happiness it seems too, is a big contributor to feelings of personal well-being.
I think that this statement is probably limited to a contrast with the badly married as opposed to the unmarried. There are people who have no interest in marriage or life unions or may have refused to settle for less in the interest of conventional companionship and looking real happy to me. Satisfied with their choices.
But I do take the point that respectful intimacy over the long haul can enhance the sense of wellbeing. And that closeness can be with partners but it can also be with children, with family,with friends. There is abundant evidence across the Caribbean for the obverse. So many older men exist alone, sometimes in squalor, weakly connected to their children and their children’s mothers, living out the consequences of a lifetime of making self-centred and short-sighted choices for sex over intimacy, respect and commitment.
And of course there are many more years beyond the heady 20s, 30, 40s, years where independence morphs slowly yet inexorably into dependence. Dependence on the love, kindness, interest and service of others.
Back in 1980 or thereabouts, an article on Jimmy Carter in the Time Magazine referred to him as uxorious, wife loving. It was a striking description. Around me, in my own family- grandfathers and father, these were lady lovers. A whole world of difference there.
The word became something of a joke between Douglas and me. What I did not know then was that Douglas had been raised by an uxorious father. He grew up seeing his parents sharing pleasant, low-keyed moments of togetherness, spending time with each other on the mundane, on the fun, on the exciting, sorting out challenges of child raising, managing budgets, planning for the now and the future. Loving each other in a very profound and daily way.
Turns out that his sons are also wife lovers. Now you might say that this is socialization, they are reproducing what they grew up seeing. My own brothers, who grew up with a different experience, are also wife lovers. And so are my brothers in law. Men for whom their partners’ view of them matters, women who they would not wish to hurt.
And that is the crux of it- wife loving is about respect and regard. Life long monogamy, I doubt, is a natural state of being and that is what Jimmy Carter was alluding to when he famously said in an interview in 1976 (to Playboy Magazine???!) that “I’ve looked on a lot of women with lust. I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times”. Fidelity is a discipline, same as exercising. You’ve got to do it all the time for the habit to set in. And then the returns (if you are lucky to be with a normal, good person who you love, who loves you and is not a nutcase) will be a certain kind of happiness and comfort.
Today is Leonard’s birthday. He is a very happy man. Well, well, well loved by his children and grands, by his in-laws, by the many, many children of his six siblings. And he has lived a life of wife loving which continues even though Molly is no longer with him physically. She inhabits his memory, vividly. He knows he will be with Molly again and looks forward to that. In the meantime, he joyfully and so ever gently and sweetly gets on with living.
His 14 grandchildren agree, they all look like him.
Happy Birthday Leonard.
Happy Birthday, Leonard.
The torch is passing to Aschille, I’m sure.
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Berta
Words for some reflection.
Today I gave an acquaintance a lift to the hospital where she works and in chatting, asked her about her husband. She said he was fine but getting more ‘troublesome’. My silence prompted her to explain that she was not referring to things like, sex or domestic issues, but he was always, telling her he loved her, how good she looked, especially before she left for work, insisting on kissing her goodbye.. even when she was running late.
I responded that she seemed to have a one of a kind husband, as open displays of affection from Dominican/Caribbean men were not the norm and she should appreciate that. (He’s a great cook too!) She reflected almost in surprise that yes , she probably should. At my prompting she indicated that he had spent almost 3 decades living overseas from childhood. (reason, you think?)
We Caribbean women have become so accustomed to rare/no display of affection from our significant other, that sometimes we can’t respond in kind when it is shown and may be reluctant to initiate it. I guess we’ve become cynical.
Wife lovers are a rare phenomena, although they should really be the norm. We salute all the wife lovers and uxorious fathers.
Wishing your father-in-law blessings on his birthday.
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Roberta, I’ve returned to this ode at least three times today after reading it this morning. For the wisdom, the love, for the words. It’s become a meditation. Thanks.
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I called Daddy this morning to wish him Happy Birthday – I was a bit concerned that we had postponed his celebration to Friday for I had hoped that one of us would have at least been able to be with him today. Thankfully Jackie spent the afternoon with him.
However this morning he was not in the least bit perturbed as he had had his day all planned – he would spend it at home – I incredulously asked him “doing what?” – and he simply answered – “I’m spending the day with your mother” – after a few moments of silence, I asked if he would be playing her music and he said “Of course”. And he did.
On top of that he received many calls and wishes from family and friends – and a special call from Jeewan – a call he was particularly thrilled about. Thanks Jeewan for taking the time – it is truly appreciated by us all.
And thanks Roberta for reminding us of the wonder of our father.
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Roberta
Now I understand where you got the phrase ‘wife lover’. It’s perfect and simple, and I’ve been using it a lot lately, sharing it with the teenagers and friends!
I shared an excerpt of this blog over the phone with Leonard today. He is deeply touched and takes none of the credit for raising such men. All praises should go to Molly, he soberly insists.
True freedom begins with self-discipline which, as you say, is contrary to our nature.
Thank you Leonard, for the fine example.
We in Tobago salute you.
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Roberta,
This is quite a tribute to your father in law. I am sure his heart must be filled with joy at reading this.
The yogis say a man of discipline whose mind is restrained attains tranquillity. Maybe this is true for this is what makes us most happy in life.
I hope that he can share many more birthdays with his loving family and friends.
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Roberta thanks for sharing this very beautiful and profound piece on wife lovers. I keep being reminded that self discipline is central to shaping the core ingredients of healthy, happy lives. This includes habits of eating, exercise, sex, work habits and discipline of the mind. As Carter said, fidelity is a discipline. In our culture women used to be taught that discipline, and generally men were taught to develop the habit of infidelity.
There are very few men in our region who have been given the gift of the example of male sexual discipline by their fathers. Douglas is blessed to have a father who was not one of the pack and he is enjoying the fruits of that discipline in the love, care and respect that his children and grandchildren shower on him. May he enjoy many more happy years.
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Happy Birthday, Leonard!! pls. email me his number…thks
Roberta, Thanks for the plug – or at least I hope you had me in mind – when you said your brothers-in-law were wife lovers. That buys me some more time..:)
Would love to read a blog soon on husband lovers…
Cheers..
Jeewan
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