I sometimes pessimistically think of women working with men on gender equality as a high risk endeavor, akin to walking on the verge of a precipice or a high tension wire. Similarly in our personal lives, you going good, good and then out of nowhere, a sexist joke and some man friend telling you, ‘ like you cyah take a joke?”
We know that to make change in our personal and public lives, both men and women have to reject patriarchy, to reject rigid gender roles, harmful stereotypes and inequality. For women this is hard too. We breathe the same cultural air as men and are subject to the Mr. Darcy Syndrome, looking for the Benign Patriarch who will take care financially and protect. And more negatively, some construct an opportunistic image of men as the walking wallet.
Giving up dependency is difficult when it is perceived as an entitlement. Like when the woman in Big B Supermarket sighed in regret and said aloud in my direction, “There was a time I could bring a man here to pay my grocery bills”. The sexual economic exchange does have benefits for women and men that go both ways, though arguably, the benefits are more secure for men as this exchange reinforces power dynamics.
The journey for men is even harder because men know, really understand, that accepting equality means relinquishing privilege, power and accepting more work in the private sphere. In the long run, there are advantages to be gained, but in the short run, who can doubt that many men question the cost benefit of rejecting entitlement to women’s labour and bodies? Who can doubt that some lack the courage and moral clarity required to share power and influence? Recent events in the Anglican church bring this latter to mind.
And so for these reasons, men’s advocacy for equality is crucial, not only because men listen to men, but let’s be real, men control the levers of most influencing powers- whether as priests, parliamentarians, popular artists or private sector mavens.
Caribbean women have been attempting to engage with men in the emancipation project for quite a while. We have done so as active participants in ending slavery, in the colonial and independence struggles and we do not even complain when the accolades go to men as the architects of Caribbean emancipation.
And in the private sphere, women as disproportionate champions of men and boys is most apparent, if only because too many Caribbean men are not actively involved in children’s lives, reject commitment to family stability and reject responsibility for boy and girl children.
Are women saints? Well no. Many rage at a society that exploits, demeans and devalues their worth and work. And then in any normal distribution of humanity, some women will lack emotional intelligence, be neglectful, will be indifferent, will be more or less compassionate, more or less responsible. And because children go with women in Caribbean societies as a matched set, some children bear the brunt of these deficits, deficits that are not compensated by the presence of a another parent, because guess what? The fathers are absent.
And so today, looking at what appears as an affirmatory (if only because there is no accompanying comment) CARIMAN posting of Jamaica Gleaner article entitled “Anthropologist says societal neglect of J’can males breeds rapists”, I felt like I had been pushed off that precipice.
Could this be where we have arrived after two decades of working on ending violence against women? That the continuing violations of women’s bodies are to explained not by patriarchy, not by the experiences of multiple inequalities (which indeed are globally manifested) but by this notion that men who rape are victims of society’s indifference and more to the point of women’s inadequacies as mothers?
To be clear. For sure, the education system fails Caribbean boys, as it does Caribbean girls, especially of low income communities and families. And masculinity and traditional masculine privilege fail some boys who are not given an unequivocal message of self-discipline, respect for women and girls and for self.
And yes, some women also fail boys as inadequate socialisers, whether as mothers or as teachers in the schools.
And these are important discussions to have. But then we also need to talk about the elephant in the Caribbean room. The persistence of cultural patriarchy. I wonder at the co-existence of the hardest notions of masculinity and the incidence of sexual assault.
Maybe CARIMAN’s posting on Facebook is intended to provoke this discussion and not as an endorsement of mother blaming. I hope so because we do need CARIMAN’s insights and challenges to push us all forward.
[…] f. Title: In Need of Reliable Allies […]
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[…] Roots and Rights explores the complex issues surrounding male advocacy for gender equality. […]
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I must admit that I found the article both sad and funny. As reported, It seems to be a caricature of anthropological research. I can only hope that the article did an injustice to what the researcher actually said.
On a related note, I reread Errol Miller’s Men at Risk and could not believe how reactionary the actual arguments he put forward were. At a time when the whole nature of the relationship of traditional education and economic growth was changing and technology is playing a critical role, he built a whole thesis on boys performance in the formal educational sector.
Firstly, he speaks about boys performance in education with no mention of class. He also completely ignores boys’ access to the technological skills and insertion into the economy through these skills, which are generally not being provided by the formal school system. In addition, he generally chose to ignore all the core indicators of power and privilege, including income levels, participation in political and economic decision-making in government, to build this myth of Caribbean men bring marginalised. The reality is that men are way ahead on all these indicators. He caps this by also blaming women for collaborating in keeping men marginalised.
This is a time of opportunity and great risk in this region. We need to stop repeating myths and do some serious research, analysis, advocacy and policy development to turn around the present dangerous trends. We also need to work on a more peaceful and less stereotypical definition of masculinity, which places greatest pressure on lower income boys,
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I do agree with the risks of this backlash. And this is not an alarmist concern as we are seeing in other parts of the world.
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[…] Roots and Rights explores the complex issues surrounding male advocacy for gender equality. […]
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I have always maintained but not necessarily agreed with that women (i.e. mothers) are primarily to blame for their children becoming abusers in their adult life.
Before you all take me to task, let me explain.
In most cases adults who abuse their spouses have come from homes where abuse was practiced; either against them as children or by one parent against another.
Now there are many reasons why a woman would stay in an abusive relationship, especially if their are children involved, but there is no reason that a woman would allow herself to be abused in front of her children and not let them know in the most certain of terms that such abuse is wrong and not to be condoned, excused or copied and that her remaining in that situation is even more reason for it not to be accepted in their own lives as adults.
In addition of course, physical punishment, such as Caribbean parents are wont to perpetuate (I get lots of licks and turned out ll right) against children is sometimes the most motivation for abuse as adults.
After all the hand that loves you and feeds you and comforts you is also beating the hell out of you. Licks and love at the same time. Now how confusing for a child can that be? They come to see licks as part of love, It’s no wonder that they become abusers when they grow up or even as children.
So before my theory is dismissed, have a good long think about it. Who spends more time with children? Mothers or fathers? In the Caribbean most fathers are absent most if not all of the time children are growing up and learning behaviour, so it’s up to the mothers to instill those virtues in their children that will help them grow into caring adults that will not turn on their own children or spouses.
Violence begets violence, love begets love.
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Societal acceptance and perpetuation of these kinds of opinions is what breeds violence. Messages in society that reinforce male aggression and blaming women for violence perpetuated against them is what is responsible. A clear an unequivocal stand against such violence and sanctions for such violence, without reservation or caveat, and placing the blame for the choice to act with violence towards another person squarely and solely on the offender, is what will stop it from happening.
Ignorance begets ignorance.
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Wayne, how can we continue to blame women when the men are not even around? Your response treats the neglectful “role” men as a non-issue. When that’s certainly a main part of the issue. We really need to explore this further… and we, as men need to start saying something not to the woman, but to the men. You ever ask yourself why it’s easy for society to blame women for men violence to them and generally in the wider society? Time for us to wake up man.
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But there are many other inluences, some more powerful than those with whom one lives. David Plummer (an anthropologist) who was working in the caribbean a few years ago did a multi-country study that showed that for boys the most powerful influencer of behaviour is the peer group.
And children are equally socialised by ‘absences’ and ommissions as much as by presence.
and let us not forget that this debate is not about sex, but about gender. Women and men are sharing patriarchal noms and values, though no doubt this is infinitely more negative for women.
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[…] This article came to my attention via Caribbean feminist, Roberta Clarke’s blog post about the need for reliable allies: […]
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I hear you Roberta, and I do know CariMAN would be seeking responses, it’s but no way a reflect of our principles as you would know. But what you are raising is an important issue for Men, especial in CariMAN, because social media platforms shares s much, but taking the time to follow-up, and lead a discussion towards non-violence, and honest status-quo changing talk/action is crucial… Last thing we want is to leave the FB readers viewing this is our position!
Simone’s point about hostility is true… but it really comes from a lack of understanding of the fact that Gender isn’t about women… and the hostility is the clear opposition for equality for all and justice for all. I think the comments are a great ground for further discussion and dialogue on culture and gender.
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So, when I spontaneously posted the Gleaner article to which Roberta refers in her blog, little did I know that, not having time to craft an accompanying comment, it would end up with this interpretation of CariMAN (me?) and our motivation and our reliability. CariMAN brings diverse issues to the male space to facilitate discussion. CariMAN is about creating space not just taking up space.
But in making this space available for participation we sometimes leave the space open, like a silent space in therapy, to be used as needed, without preaching teaching and defining engagement.
Clearly this can lead to different interpretations.
Sometimes surprising.
This work really involves a different kind of personal vulnerabilty.
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I hear you. Just this morning reading the newspaper article that the T&T Gender Policy has finally been approved by Cabinet, the online comments about Gender being a woman (and now LGBT) thing and what about the men. Men are being neglected. I am just so tired of the negating and hostile opposition to anything, anything at all that dares to focus on women, that I won’t even make an attempt at argument anymore.
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